I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
