i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
