The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I have aggressive nipples.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
