I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
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He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
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He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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