My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
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This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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