I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Can you bring me the toilet please
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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