last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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