If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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