Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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