My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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