he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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