he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
