checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
