I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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