I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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