Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
im about as happy as oj after his trial
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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