Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
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