remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
