Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
