can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
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