Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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