i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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