Well douche your snatch and let's go!
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
