Can i not drive my cunt home
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
