sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
