xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
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He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
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And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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