i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
