I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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