Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
