i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
