there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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