I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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