after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
