Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Randomize
