My friends, they love my intelligence
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
