perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
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