I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
