Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
