i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
im having a threesome with these popsicles
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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