I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
