Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
