I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
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