i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
