The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?