all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
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This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
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Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go