just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
