I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
