There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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