he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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