i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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