Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops