I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
