This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
