Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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