Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
