we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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