I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
