She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I need to stop coming to work sober
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
